[BC] Holiday Eating Tips

[Alan Kline]

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet 
table knows nothing of the spirit of the season. In fact, if you see 
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt 
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You 
can?t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares 
that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to 
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have 
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of 
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of 
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or 
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports 
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control 
your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other 
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New 
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. 
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the 
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like 
frosted cookies, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as 
many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a 
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to 
see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple! Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, 
if you don't like mince meat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always 
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or 
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the 
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well 
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, 
martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and 
screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"